I have said for a long time that I have feminist
leanings. This isn’t exactly true. I’m a feminist, but how could I not be? Especially after having a daughter. While I grew up with the status quo, it
doesn’t mean that she has to accept that this is just how things are and will
be.
One of the issues that ignite my anger the most is
rape. How can the idea of rape not make
people furious? It shouldn’t be possible
to accept that someone can be forced to have their body violated. It is so completely unacceptable. This is something that there shouldn’t be
excuses for; something that should enrage anyone. The incredibly crazy part is it doesn’t. Excuses are made, the victims are
blamed. Even though the term date rape
is part of our awareness, it’s still just ignored. On fictional cop shows the rapist goes to
prison, reality is a report probably won’t be taken seriously.
I have, unfortunately, had several friends that have been
raped. This is just the friends that
have admitted that it has happened; who knows how many people I know that won’t
admit it because of fear of being judged.
Consider that the U.S. Department of Justice states that in America a woman
is raped every 2 minutes, the estimates of 37%, possibly as low as 26%, of
rapes are even reported, and 92% of rapes the victim knows the attacker. Yet we have politicians that classify between
rape and “real rape”. They aren’t the
only ones, that’s the really sad part!
As I’ve said, I’ve had several friends that have experienced
this problem. None of them would qualify
as “real rape”. I had a friend go on a
date, and while she was willing to kiss him she didn’t agree to sex, but he
decided that she was going to anyway. I
have another friend that made the poor choice of drinking underage while on
Spring Break; a guy drugged her drink.
She had some fuzzy memories, but knew something happened by her lack of
clothing. She didn’t feel comfortable
reporting that she had been raped by two guys she didn’t know while she’d been
drinking underage. Really, they would
have put zero effort into finding the guys but she would have been charged for
underage drinking. A friend that had an
ex decide that even though she was saying no she really meant yes. These are typical situations. Honestly, I have a few women that I’ve known
that were raped (they said no, they absolutely did not wish to have sex, but
out of fear of being injured didn’t fight, but instead just “laid there and
took it”), but they would insist that they weren’t really raped because they
accepted the sex that was forced onto them.
THIS is also rape! If you say no,
you don’t want it, but are afraid of how severely he will hurt you if you don’t
just lay there, possibly cry silently during it, then that is rape. Yet all of these things are not what some
lawmakers, prosecutors, and even police officers would call “real rape”. For “real rape” you can’t know the man that
attacks you (which statistically she’s more likely to know him) and you must
fight using every ounce of strength that you have (because if he has not
properly beaten you into submission you must have wanted it, but don’t let him
beat you into unconsciousness because then it can be questioned if you
consented by not continuing to fight.)
This is still the reality of what women face after being violated.
We live in a society that cares more about analyzing how much
the victim might have wanted it than protecting us. What the woman was wearing still
matters. If she had ever had sex with
him in the past still matters. If she
let him in her car or home (or has done so in the past) still matters. Realistically, if I were to answer my door in
the summer in short shorts and my ex was standing at the door asking to use the
phone because his car broke down outside and he decided to rape me, odds are if
I reported it there would be little done about it. The culture of “what did the victim do?”
still wins. It shouldn’t matter if she
was wearing a sundress that shows (gasp) her legs and shoulders, if she’s had
sex before (and hence, would be willing to do it again), or is a virgin (and
hence, just wants to claim it was rape so people won’t think badly of her), or
any of the other excuses that are used.
I’d like to believe that in 2014 these things wouldn’t matter, but they
do.
There have been improvements, don’t get me wrong. Date rape is now part of our vocabulary, even
if it is highly unlikely for it to actually be taken seriously legally. Back in high school (many moons ago) I had a
teacher (ironically, I believe, for sociology) and we had an interesting class
discussion about his belief that girls shouldn’t have premarital sex, his
belief that if you did it was a sign that you’d have sex with anyone, and how
there were certain signs (like how you dress or if you smoke) that you were
“easy”. Mind you, I went to high school
in the 1990’s, not the 1950’s. For him,
this wasn’t just his belief, but this was reality. Unless you completely behaved a certain way
it was a neon sign of being ready and willing.
His attitude isn’t completely aligning with mainstream thought at this
point, but we are still too close to his views.
We like to think that we are more evolved. I have seen articles about women, primarily
in the Middle East, that are killed for being victims. We think we are beyond punishing the
victim. We ARE NOT. If a woman has the courage to go to the
police she will face some very difficult moments. There will be the hospital rape kit, which is
humiliating in itself even though it is necessary to collect the evidence
needed. The having to repeat over and
over what happened to you. The woman has
will be asked questions about her life, such as how many sexual partners she’s
had and her sexual habits. If, by
chance, the police take it seriously and the prosecutor is willing to pursue
the charges, any possible aspect of her life will be brought up as defense. She once had a one night stand with a
guy? Well, then why should anyone
believe that the man that raped her had to?
Rape allegations are the case where the victim has to try to prove that
they’re not lying about the crime.
This is part of why I am a feminist. My daughter should not grow up thinking that
by wearing something that a man finds intriguing (which literally could be
anything), walking anywhere alone, being alone with someone that she thinks she
can trust, or just not fighting as hard as she could have because of fear makes
being violated alright. It’s never
alright, ever. Right now though, she
lives in a world where that’s how it works, but it shouldn’t have to stay that
way.
